At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
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Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
ugh not again
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge