[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
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Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”