cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?