God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.