me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
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I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Fries, not lies.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!