Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
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Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..