Being a civilian in a city of superhero鈥檚 must be so long 馃槶
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can鈥檛 catch a break
How do dragons blow out candles?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fianc茅鈥檚 eyes* yes on dvd
a rare painting of a porcu鈥檓elon
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That鈥檚 when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That鈥檚 impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work鈥ike girl. All this and half your mess can鈥檛 get a season 2??? Be fr
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.