As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
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Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.