I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
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I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
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Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold