College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
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me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
welp
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE