*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
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There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛