I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
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My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
every single time
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine