Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
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[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]