Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
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If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.