Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.