So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
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[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Thursday
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!