me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
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Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I told my vodka about you.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”