They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
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son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.