Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
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Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
liiiiiiiiike
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.