Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
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Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
my sentiments exactly
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…