Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
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Good morning.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”