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The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE