true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣