My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
You Might Also Like
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.