Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year