*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
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I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using