Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
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Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?