The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
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{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror