The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
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someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Beauty and the Beast
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.