How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
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Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider