Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
You Might Also Like
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.