APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
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I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood