Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
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For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Shark week, but for squirrels.
My first child will be named New Folder.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.