Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
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HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
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I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
SF is the wild wild west man
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.