Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
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When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I put the h in mysterious.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My new favorite headline
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT