My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
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My spirit animal is fried chicken
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
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The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
classic mixup
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough