Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
You Might Also Like
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.