I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
For when Tinder doesn’t work
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.