[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Going to church you guys need anything
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what