I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
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I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
lol
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.