Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
guilty
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.