Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
You Might Also Like
[adds another nod to the conversation]
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused