This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
You Might Also Like
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped