Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
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hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Worth remembering.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving