*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
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*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.