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I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Flock of bats
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
TRAIN’S HERE
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching