If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
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One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf