Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
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Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Always the camel, never the toe.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.