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The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Awesome parenting 😂
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
i made a craigslist ad !
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what