No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
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[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.